2012 was a year full of surprises for me, in that any plans I had were altered by new and changing circumstances. My dear friend in California, Maureen, discovered in the fall of 2011 that her previous cancer had returned, and, after months of treatment, in May of this year she decided that she wanted to return again to Africa where she had spent so much time over many years. She asked me to accompany her, and I did. We departed July 1. I’ve told that story in my Blog. Just go to the Archive here on the blog. (hereswhatIknow.blogspot.com)
A previously scheduled visit from my sister in Calif. was re-scheduled and we had a wonderful 10 days just before I left. Three weeks after the return from Kenya, I embarked upon a Vision Quest in the Inyo Mountains Wilderness, near Mono Lake with a group of women. This trip had been planned long before the African trip came up, and was a return for me to Vision Quest experiences. I had done 3 Vision Quest experiences between 1998 – 2001, and felt it was time for another. It turned out that it was a much needed chance for me to process the Africa trip, as well as to be totally away from the world and able to reflect on my life in general.
Inyo Mountains Wilderness
Eastern Sierras,
south of
Mono Lake.
High desert terrain with old growth forest.
10 days with 13 women,
3 days alone on
"solo time"
with no food, only water.
Nature is a deep teacher reflecting back to us all we need to know.
The Africa trip was extremely challenging, especially because of Maureen’s condition. It was also a time of intense pleasure and delight in an environment such as I had never seen. The animals were incredible and just to see them freely roaming, living the life/death/life cycle without intervention, totally in tune with their environment was a top thrill of my lifetime. Each place we visited was very different from the other, and utterly fascinating. Maureen had planned it beautifully with the agent she had worked with many times before. It was designed just for us, and we traveled by private plane, stayed in extraordinary bush camps, and saw three very different locales in Kenya. The nice part was that we stayed 4 to 5 days in each place, allowing for relaxation and immersion in the area. It was an exhausting experience to get there and return, especially for Maureen, but, with pre-arranged help in the airports, we managed fairly well. One of the surprises for me was how much I enjoyed keeping a watercolor journal. Just beginning to learn what to do with watercolors, it was fun to play with it and keep memories at the same time.
We parted in San Francisco at the end of the trip, and I continued on to Bend. That was the last time I saw Maureen. Her condition deteriorated rapidly and I only had two phone conversations with her before she died, just 3 months after we returned. I know that she did not regret for a second having made the trip, and said before we left that whatever the aftermath, it would be worth it. The trip to the Clinic that she supported was so very meaningful for her, and that visit was the highlight of the trip for both of us. (That story is told in an earlier Blog.)
She had asked me to facilitate her “Celebration” that was held on Oct. 26, and I spent a week in Marin County at that time. It was a wonderful honoring of her life. This is where I lived from 1971 – 2005 and so there are many memories there, friends, and familiar places.
And then I got sick. And whatever the bug was, it didn’t go away for a month. It wasn’t long before I realized that I was exhausted, on all levels, and needed a major rest. My energy was depleted, my emotions wrung out and I was just plain tired. The weeks that followed were pretty bleak, and, at the risk of being melodramatic, I can only call it a “dark night of the soul.” I've experienced these periods a number of times, and have finally learned that there is nothing to do but let it run its’ course and then be open to what there is to learn from it.
This time I had additional “help” to see me through. That is my study and work with the Enneagram over the last 4 years. It is an incredibly helpful tool of self-discovery, and one that I trust, especially because the roots of the system go back thousands of years.
Writing helps, and this pretty well describes it.....
The Emptiness of Oneness
Heaviness, inertia, frozen
darkness
clinging, cloying self
absorption,
possibility cowers lost in
confusion…
Immobility feeds itself,
circling downward
unable to counter the drag of
despair…
Sinking into my own emotional
morass,
swallowed by old stories,
clinging beliefs
I walk into the darkness of
this reality,
blindly creating my own
vulnerability in separation.
So many paths to our death in
the midst of life…
Here I see, feel, hear only
death; darkness
feeding on itself allows no
opposite; no light
will show itself until I
surrender, completely
give over resistance, falling
into the Void
allowing the furies to do
their worst…
And then the mysterious
glimmerings begin,
the slivers of shining hope,
like single sunbeams
briefly warming the frozen
tundra of my heart,
giving life to my limbs, a
path for my thoughts,
a way out of fear as my soul
creeps back.
Slowly, imperceptibly, as
single drops begin the
winter melt, my world
lightens, lifts and I see
with new eyes; newly born
perceptions guide
my path, as movement
enlivens,
a powerful inner presence
takes center stage…
Illusions, falsehood fade;
tired emotions, tenuous,
temporary melt into knowledge
that the journey
into darkness is as into the
light, all part of one
path, one Whole…where
emptiness is but the
absence of separation,
duality made whole.
Is this a mystery, or is this
the way of all things?
A never ending cycle of
life/death/life…
Light shines on new
possibilities, buds of
potential flower, flowing
movement awakens
energy courses through my
body, ideas, feelings
emerge into a new
consciousness, once again
yet never before seen …my own
true Self.
The light of authenticity,
confidence, trust
Meet the darkness of
falsehood, doubt, fear
in the cauldron of my psyche
where alchemy
creates the pathway to their
coexistence in
the emptiness of Oneness, the
Beauty of Being.
dsw Dec. 2012
dsw Dec. 2012
My daughter, Lauren, spent 5 days with us here in Bend over Christmas and that was a very special time. We've had lots of snow and we went snowshoeing, and she had a day of downhill skiing at Mt. Bachelor. This trip she met more of my friends, saw more of Bend and we just had a great time. She continued on to San Francisco, saw the 49er's play and was headed for New Years Eve with friends there.
Other news: Tom and I decided in the Spring to sell our "Maddie" (the motorhome) in that we felt we were not using her for trips as much, and that we had accomplished what we had intended over the 6 years we had her. We will continue to take trips, but now will find interesting places to stay instead...i.e. B and B's, maybe occasional camping or just motels.
Tom continues his volunteering, tending our yard and his plants, walking and keeping tabs on the local government. The latter is a frustrating pastime, but he enjoys it. Bend has numerous events and activities and he takes part in many....Osher Learning, the Community College speaker series, the Library events, the Environmental Center, the Sunday evening Presbyterian informal gathering and supper, etc., etc. I go to some of these, but not as many as he does. He still loves to dance, and makes occasional trips to Portland for that. There is some here, but not a lot. We did go Contra dancing recently and will go again....great exercise! I have also done some line dancing with some friends.
I continue to spend a good amount of time keeping my health by exercising, walking, hiking and doing Feldenkrais. It's not hard to do in such a beautiful place as this.
I still play the cello, but have let go of the Symphony, just sticking to the Quartet and my duo playing with a pianist friend. The Symphony was just too much work, and too much of a schedule for me. I'm also going to branch out into some more off beat playing with a cellist friend who performs with a guitar player here in Bend. Lessons with her are about to begin! It will be very different and fun!
The painting has lessened, no longer using oil, but am trying new mediums. I did watercolors on the Africa trip, on the Vision Quest and am now experimenting with acrylics.
That's it from Bend.
